Anybody home?

Gosh, it's been almost 4 years since my last post. Crazy!

And a lot of CRAZY things happened the last 4 years. Yeah, Covid-19 happened. It turned our life upside down. Alhamdulillah, I've been fully vaccinated since early August. So does my family. We've had our shares of 'missed' events with Covid19, I had two swab tests the past 1.5 years. My hubby's kampung kena PKPD from 25/8/2021 till 7/9/2021 and alhamdulillah both my hubby and mother in law is negative.

I am still working from home since June, 90% of the time I'm at Mama's house. Bosan dok rumah sendiri sorang2. And oh ya, my sister got herself two cats, Snowy and Kukis.Malas nak godek gambar. Dah 4 tahun tak ber blog kut haha.

Let's hope this writing mojo will continue, and bukan angan2 kosong for the next 4 years pulak nanti. Berapa kali tukar password dah 😊🙆

 Selamat Hari Merdeka, Malaysia! Get well soon 💓

I miss you, my blog. I miss my happy self 😞. Everything felt.. changed. And some things never change, never will. *sigh*

My Ayah - Part 3 (& ongoing)

By the time this is published, I would already be in Korea for a vacation, Insyaallah. My girlfriends and I had planned about this trip since Feb 2015 and decided to purchase flight tickets masa minggu Matta Fair, first week of Sept tu. Time tu tak tahu pun Ayah sakit lagi. I almost want to back out and burn je flight ticket and accommodation yg dah dibayar tu tapi lepas discuss dgn my girlfriends and my parents pun encourage me to proceed with my plan, and Ayah seems ok after few chemos, so I will proceed la.

Talking about chemo, Ayah was supposed to start his chemo end November. So, sebelum boleh start chemo, he has to undergo a minor operation utk masukkan chemo port dlm badan dia (letak kat atas dada belah kanan). Some patients, depending on type of cancer ada yg cucuk chemo tu kat jari, or chemo port. Ada jugak yg chemo dia adalah dgn menelan ubat je. So macam ayah, he was advised to do a chemo port. He was supposed to be admitted on 15th November and operation on 16th November. Tah macam mana boleh silap, Ayah tak tahu yg dia tak boleh makan ubat cair darah (which he consume every day together dgn ubat high blood dia). So agak lawak di situ bila aku dgn Tiyah dah bawak dia check in, tukarkan baju sepital dia. Dia tengah rilek2 baca suratkhabar and aku lak tengah kemas2 laci kat katil dia, nurse datang tanya dia pasal ubat darah tinggi and dia pun bawa keluar la ubat2an dia and nurse nampak ubat cair darah tu. Then nurse tanya ada makan ke pagi ni..and ayah aku kata yes. Tepuk dahi nurse tu, dia kata if dah makan ubat tu tak boleh la operation. Kena tunggu seminggu lagi. Tak ke kelakar..baru masuk ward 15 minit dah kena discharged, mengangkut la balik barang2.

So, a week after that baru la dia masuk ward lagi sekali. Before tinggalkan dia for the night, aku dgn mama biasalah drama queens..salam2 then keluar dari bilik dia je kitaorg bantai nangis lagi :). Besok tu operation, Tiyah yg ambik cuti and everything went well and he was discharged the same day.

First chemo starts on 11/12/15. Ayah kena buat 12 cycles of chemo and each chemo is done every 2 weeks, which means till May 2016. Everytime nak buat chemo, kitaorg kena pergi 3 kali. First, a day before chemo, kena ambik sample darah to see of he is ok for chemo treatment. Normally, my sis or me will take half day leave. Second, the chemo day itself which each cycle will be 4 hours minimum. Memang kena ambik full day leave. Third, lepas 2 hari dari hari chemo, kena pegi hospital cabut jarum chemo tu. Normally dlm half an hour. So another half day leave or time off la. So boleh bayangkan menyusutnya AL kami? Redha je la demi ayah kan. Aku dgn Tiyah memang bergilir la, kalau Tiyah pergi ambik darah then aku bawak ayah g chemo..so takde lah kitaorg cuti dua hari berturut2 tapi kerap la cuti. Cuma most of the chemos (so far dah chemo cycle yg keempat) happens on Friday, so kami kena pi cabut jarum tu Sunday which takyahlah ambik cuti. Lega sket. Actually lepas 4 hours of chemo tu, ayah kena bawa balik satu botol kecik of air chemo to continue at home. Botol tu bersambung dari chemo port kat badan dia so he has to carry(put in his shirt pocket) everywhere he go for that two days sampai air dah kering then pegi cabut jarum. Lepas cabut jarum tu yg kami kena monitor dia sket, whether dia letih or demam sebab kalau demam, tak bleh ambik panadol (due to chemo) and kena cepat2 bawa pegi hospital.

Bermacam2 cerita menakutkan aku baca dan dengar dari kawan2, lepas chemo nanti rambut gugur, letih yg teramat sampai tak boleh bangun dari katil, muntah2. Aku memang la risau sbb mama yg nak kena hadapi semua tu masa kitaorg pergi kerja. Alhamdulillah, lepas 4 chemo ni, ayah takde simptom2 tu semua. In fact, kitaorg yg geram sebab dia nak juga berkebun la, nak buat kerja sendiri la. Tak larat marah dah. Rambut gugur tu org kata after few more chemos tapi takpelah, we are mentally prepared. Kalau tengok aku 4 months ago, memang aku depressed sangat and selalu nangis. Now aku dah kuat sket, hence the motivation to write and document this journey. Memang keluar gak sket airmata bila aku cerita2 ni sbb teringat2 balik. Our last appointment with the doctor end January, doctor kata the cancer counts dlm darah Ayah dah berkurangan which is a good improvement. Syukur sangat pada Allah. Moga Allah terus memberi kesihatan pada Ayah dan kekuatan pada kami. Amin.

Hopefully next post is about my Korea trip.Till then.

My Ayah - Part 2

Then Mama bagitau the dreaded news - Ayah punya ketumbuhan tu is actually cancer. Yes, the big C. The cancer yg dulu aku hanya baca, now jadi kat ayah aku sendiri. And the reason Mama kena panggil masuk dalam sebab Ayah macam rasa tak nak operate pulak sbb dia takut bila doctor bagitau the risk yg Ayah maybe kena masuk ICU and at that point of time yg kena panggil tu oxygen level ayah is very low. It was too much for my brain to process time tu. Mama kena sign some sort of form that we are aware of the operation risk. Menggeletar tangan aku fill up form tu masa tu..and at the same time Ayah kata maybe we can try traditional way dulu. Aku dah macam 'Ishh boleh plak dia pikir takmau operate'. Then the Head Surgeon was called in to talk to Ayah..and dia cakap at this stage, it is more risky not to operate sebab maybe boleh sampai stage yg teruk di mana dah tak boleh operate lagi dah untuk selamatkan. It was very chaotic as Ayah dah start bukak alat bantuan pernafasan and his oxygen makin drop, then I told him jangan cabut and ask him to calm down.

Lepas dengar penerangan surgeon tu, Ayah mellowed down a bit. Pelan2 dia pandang mama and aku, and asked 'Macam mana? Nak operate ke?' Allah je yg tahu apa aku rasa time tu, having to make decision with my mom, without my abang and my adik. Mama pegang tangan aku, pegang tangan Ayah and said 'Kita usaha operate dulu, yg lain kita serah kat Tuhan'. Then Ayah said ok and nurse and doctors tak buang masa terus tolak Ayah masuk OT balik before dia tukar fikiran lagi. Tahu apa Ayah tanya kat Mama sebelum masuk OT second time? 'You dah makan ke?'. Dalam keadaan dia macam tu, tetap nak concern pasal cinta hati dia. T_T. The moment Ayah masuk balik dlm OT room tu, aku dgn mama dedua longlai sampai nurse tarik kerusi bagi mama duduk sbb both us were hugging each other and crying. We then proceed back to waiting room. It was 2.30pm. Tiyah dah text aku banyak kali sbb dia heran naper tak keluar dari OT lagi. Last2 aku call dia around 4pm and break the news about cancer. Terus dia minta time off dari boss dia utk dtg hospital. Called and informed my brother too but dia tengah shooting time tu. I know he cried but dia tahan bila bercakap dgn aku and he promised to call back at night. Tiyah arrived around 5pm and Zul arrived around 5.30pm. Time ni baru aku makan bekal yg kakak Ayah bawakan. 

It was a very long wait. Aku pun dah start risau. Dlm 6.45pm tak boleh tahan dah. Paksa Zul pergi tanya kat OT staff, dia ajak ikut sekali tapi aku kata aku takut. He came back and informed us Ayah dah habis operation 6.30pm (4 jam operation dia) and dah dibawa ke ICU. Kitaorg bergegas naik atas tapi tak dibenarkan masuk lagi sbb diaorg tgh prepare  katil and prepare Ayah. 7pm baru dapat masuk, boleh masuk 2 org je. So Tiyah masuk dgn Mama dulu, then followed by me and Zul. Ayah was still drowsy from the meds but he could talk/mumble la. Takut sangat nak tengok luka pembedahan tu, Zul tengok and dia kata panjang scar tu kat perut Ayah :(. Abang arrived around 8pm, mujurlah diaorg still bagi masuk. 

Wednesday 30th September 2015. Ayah still in ICU this time dah sedar and boleh bercakap dah but still weak. My mum's cousins and brother in laws paid a visit. Minggu tu mmg aku ambik time off everyday 4pm - 6pm. Mama pulak pergi dari start visiting hours 12pm tu and duduk sampai 8pm and balik dgn aku. Zul/Tiyah and husband bergilir hantar mama pergi hospital. Mama boleh drive tapi sbb dlm keadaan ni, mmg Mama pun rasa weak nak drive. Doctor bagitau sebahagian usus besar ayah kena buang, yg ada prime cancer tu. But cancer tu dah pecah and spread to lung and liver. Now hujung usus ayah tu dikeluarkan dan dijahit kat perut ayah so his stool akan keluar dari situ ke stoma bag. A temporary measure for about 6 months and if everything ok, baru buat another operation utk masukkan balik usus. So bila tengok perut ayah, dia ada small scar on the right abdomen, tempat kena tebuk keluarkan air dan isi perut, then ada long scar dari atas perut all the way sampai bawah pusat, which is tempat doktor keluarkan cancer dan buang sebahagian usus and dekat left abdomen, tempat stoma tu dikeluarkan. Ni gambarajah yg aku google.

 Thursday 1st October 2015. Ayah dah boleh pindah dari ICU ke ward biasa. Alhamdulillah. Appetite dia pun ok je. Doctor suruh dia jalan2, jangan baring2 je. Bleh tahan laju dia jalan sepanjang ward tu, tegur2 patients lain, sembang dgn nurse. Ayah oh Ayah..Friday to Sunday tu mmg family aku berkampung kat hospital and banyak betul friends and relatives yg dtg visit Ayah. News memang cepat spread padahal time tu aku dgn Tiyah tak update apa2 kat FB. Meluap2 rasa nak cakap tapi aku diamkan je. 

I had two work events in October and November and aku pun tak tahu camner aku survived time tu. Cooperation from colleagues and support system from my family and close friends kut. Aku kat office pun kekadang sambil keluar air mata bila buat kerja sbb bimbangkan Ayah but somehow I managed. Ada satu benda yg tersilap and memang aku kena marah kaw2 tapi takpe simpan dulu cerita tu. Ayah was discharged on Tuesday 6th October 2015. Lega yg teramat time tu! He was happy to be back home. 9 malam 10 hari di hospital and he doesn't have to pay a single cent. The perks of pencen gomen kan. Dalam 9 malam tu, 8 malam aku tido sekatil dgn Mama temankan dia (terima kasih B sebab memahami!).

Lepas dah discharge, rutin aku pun dah berubah. I spent most nights kat KJ, berulang pegi kerja kat Bukit Jalil. Aku balik Bukit Jalil maybe Monday and Tuesday, lepas tu terus duduk KJ sampai following Monday. Weekends yg Ayah baru lepas discharged tu orang datang visit dari siang sampai malam. Memang kitaorg penat gila tapi bersyukur sbb ramai concenrn about him. Masuk the second weekend tu tak larat dah, mmg letak air kotak je dekat depan :P.

Bawa ayah for appointment and discussion on chemo. Masa tu baru tahu, ayah's cancer was stage 4, which was stage paling akhir. Aku dgn Tiyah terkedu dlm bilik doktor masa tu. Breaks my heart bila Ayah tanya doktor 'So, stage 4 ni last stage kan'. I could not hold back my tears time tu. Terus ambik appointment card ayah and aku cakap 'Adik pergi buat appointment jap' and left my sis in the room with him. Aku keluar je terus aku menangis. Berat rasa dugaan utk family aku. Kept thinking, why him, Ayah aku baik, sebaik2 manusia, kenapa dia yg kena semua ni? Then istighfar, wipe my tears and masuk balik bilik. I think he saw the look on my face. Doctor kata 'That stage is just a measurement for us doctors to determine the sort of treatment'..mmg bagus2 doktor sini sbb diaorg pandai handle patient and patient's family. The main cancer has been removed, yg penting sekarang nak combat the cancer yg dah spread and we can only do that through chemo. Ayah banyak tanya dgn doctors in our family and his friends, semua mmg sokong buat chemo and at the same time, boleh je nak buat rawatan secara Islam.

Past few months ni, dah dua tempat Ayah pergi rawatan alternatif. And everyday, ayah akan makan daun belalai gajah yg diblend dgn epal hijau, and picit lemon. Petua dari lecturer tempat aku kerja sebab mak dia pun dah survived breast cancer. Ada juga makan pucuk daun tujuh jarum. And yes, lepas discharged from hospital, ayah cut terus sugar and meat. Sugar ni sebenarnya bertukar menjadi glukosa dlm darah kan, yg sebenarnya menjadi 'makanan' utk cancer. Mmg ayah turun berat badan, dlm 12-13kg jugak bila stop ambik sugar. Nasi pun gula, tapi susah gak nak stop nasi but dia mmg makan dah kurang dah even before dia sakit dulu. Now ni mmg bertukar terus ke brown rice. Tak makan processed food. Banyak makan sayur and ikan. Ikan pun mama buat masak singgang or goreng atas non-stick pan dgn minyak yg sangat sikit la. Tak makan pedas langsung dah, yg ni mmg ayah seriau sbb takut sakit perut. Roti pun not encouraged tapi dia makan gak la sikit2, kena faham la sbb dia pun jemu. Alhamdulilah sangat dia tak lost appetite.

Nanti next post aku cerita pasal chemo and pasal aku kena marah dgn boss.

My Ayah - Part 1

It all started in September, on 27th September 2015 to be exact. Memang pun biasanya Friday night lepas kerja aku akan tido rumah parents dgn Zul then Ahad balik ke Bukit Jalil. So Ahad malam tu bila dah balik Bukit Jalil ada rasa malas la nak masak so order Dominos. Tengah makan tu, adik aku Tiyah whatsapp cakap Ayah sakit perut and dia akan bawa ayah aku pegi PPUM. Aku buat biasa je la, memang pun dah hari Ahad and maybe sebab takde clinic bukak memalam tu so ayah ke hospital la.

Pukul 10pm no news. Then 11pm lebih adik aku kata maybe Ayah kena tahan kat ward sebab nak buat further checkup. Masa tu aku dah tak keruan sangat dah sebab adik aku pegi dgn husband dia bawa ayah aku and so, Mama tinggal sorang2 kat KJ. Aku nak pergi tapi mama kata takyah nanti Tiyah balik. Time tu yg kitaorg tahu ayah punya stool dah keras dlm perut sbb tu nak check further. So the plan was Tiyah akan ambik EL Isnin and aku akan ambik EL Selasa sebab budget Ayah boleh discharged Selasa. Pegi kerja Isnin tu memang rasa tak senang duduk, I kept texting my sis for updates. Doctor kata kena operate hari Selasa. What? Katanya ada ketumbuhan kat usus lepas dah buat thorough scan and MRI. Isnin lepas kerja aku terus ke rumah, tak pergi pun hospital sebab waktu melawat sampai 8pm je and aku tak sempat. Aku mintak izin Zul and tido teman mama malam tu sebab mama kata dia tak lena on Sunday sebab tido sorang. Airmata takyah cakap la masa tu. Byk sgt benda uncertain. Aku terjaga banyak kali and before Subuh aku bangun sembahyang tahajjud minta pembedahan ayah ni dipermudahkan.

Selasa - 29 September 2015. Aku dengan Mama ke hospital dlm pukul 9am sebab maybe operation 10am. Pecah dada aku tengok Ayah atas katil. Dia nampak sihat and throughout my 38 years of age ni, dia tak pernah kena masuk wad ok. So mungkin siapa yg baca ni boleh imagine macam mana aku rasa tengok dia helpless kat katil. Adik aku dah pesan banyak kali, jangan nangis, jangan nangis depan ayah but I is cannot. Period. Tu pun aku keluar banyak kali dari bilik ayah to wipe my tears. Kakak ayah came half an hour later, just 10-15 minutes before nurse datang nak bawak ayah pergi OT. Kami sama2 ke tingkat 2, mama gosok2 tangan ayah and aku cium tangan ayah sebelum ayah dibawak masuk OT and mama hampir pengsan kat situ. Kept saying to myself aku kena kuat, I have to.

Papah mama bawak masuk bilik menunggu and slowly we calm down and waited. Time tu dlm pukul 12.30pm aku rasa. Masing2 pun tak lalu nak lunch. Then bila dah masuk Zohor, aku ajak Mama pergi surau sama2 tapi Mama kata better bergilir takut kut2 doktor panggil ke. Dlm hati aku pikir, baru sejam takkan dia nak panggil tapi aku ikutkan je and aku pergi dulu solat. Balik dari solat aku masuk bilik menunggu, mama takde situ. Ada beg makanan je. Aku dah cuak dan dalam kelam kabut cari Mama, Mama call and cried..'Adik, masuk bilik operation', aku tanya kenapa? Mama cuma cakap nanti kat dalam baru cakap. I rushed to the OT room but it was locked (auto access). Called mama again, but not answered. Mujur ada nurse baru keluar so aku terus masuk. Aku nampak ayah atas katil and nampak dia masih sedar so aku pikir 'Eh cepatnya operation ni dah habis'

BERSAMBUNG

20112015

Happy Birthday, B. Saya doakan awak panjang umur, murah rezeki. Amin. Terima kasih sebab selalu ada untuk saya, selalu sabar. Dan tahu how much I need you at times like this. You are my rock.
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It's been a while. And it's been difficult. Too difficult. Moga Tuhan beri kekuatan pada aku dan keluarga. Moga Tuhan memberi penawar dan menyembuhkan.

Cliche but the only choice I have now, is to be strong. And redha.

Meyahut cabaran!

Ok post ni sbb menyahut cabaran Arena kat FB yg semua blogger kena ada post on 6th May, 2015. Mana ada aku jarang update blog, aku update la 4-5 bulan sekali hehe.

Since aku takmo citer yg sedih2 dah memandangkan update nya sendu je, pembaca pun sendu je..citer yg happy sket walaupun dah basi. Citer December 2014, masa pegi celebrate anniversary ke 11 tahun. Barulah ada kesinambungan dari post yg sebelum ni kann. *selak2 gambo dlm abum FB sbb banyak dah lupa!*

Aku punya lah nak jugak bagi date tu kena dgn anniversary meraban cari tempat nak pegi ok. Dahler start cari last minute sbb busy dgn konvo punya pasal padanlah muka semua tempat dah penuh. Berangan budget cukup utk naik kapal terbang sebab konon2 serik dah drive jauh2 nak pergi pulau satgi balik pun penat drive je. Bulan 12 kut anniversary kau, tak reti nak booking flight awal2 hambekk ratenya semua out of budget. Nak nangis dah time tu then Zul kata cari je la pulau yg dekat2 and he suggested Pulau Sibu. Tak jauh meh kat Johor. Aler dlm 4 jam drive je katanya. Katanyaaa la. End up almost 6 hours drive jugak. Adoiiii tension.

Dahler boat timingnya macam tak begitu flexible mmg agak berkejaran jugak time tu. Seb baik dah bayar in advance so diaorg macam tunggu ler jugak siap call nak pastikan aku dah dekat. Sampai jeti Mersing, dlm 15 mins naik boat. Ombak tak kuat sangat tapi tetap ada rasa loya gitu. Bila sampai jeti island tu, wahhh hilang kejap rasa penat tu. Nice view. Arena kata tak yah buh gambar sbb semua dah ada di FB. Dia nak tengok aku menulis je hahaha gasak la sapa yg membaca ni. Lepas check in, kitaorg berjln mendaki sket pergi ke bilik. Mujurlah tak jauh sangat..yg jauh2 ke atas tu mmg ada buggy car bawa korang ke bilik. Bilik pun best, ada anjung lepak2 minum kopi, ada hall tengok tv separate dari bilik. Tapi takde bath tub la. Beza dgn hotel biasa, dia hanya hantar beg je and chiow. Kalau hotel biasanya dia bukakan TV semua..why aku ckp pasal ni? Sbb tv rosak.

Disebabkan penat, aku malas nak report pasal TV and kitaorg terus tido. Owh aku ambik full board. One thing, if pergi perhentian or pangkor ada je kampung2 kecik so bolehlah keluar gi mkn if tak ambik full board. Tapi kat sini mmg secluded takde tempat mkn kecuali resort ni so ambik full board la. Tak koser la nak kuar dari resort pakai boat nak gi cari makan pulak kan. Jadi tengahari tu dah makan di resort la before check in. Petang we all decide jalan2 dlm resort and pergi pantai. Resort dia mmg luas sangat and pantai dia ada few areas. Org tak ramai sgt maybe sbb we all check in Friday kut. So duduk layan perasaan memasing petang tu. And so aku bagitau la pasal TV tu. But no one came. Kitaorg dinner, then borak2 and tido.

Next day, 12/12, breakfast ngadap laut tapi jauh lah sket. Dia punya café/restaurant position tu kat tengah2 resort so jauh ler dari pantai. Feel dia tak sama macam we all breakfast kat Pangkor. Tu yg paling best. Perhentian pun dekat gak la dgn pantai. But food wise mmg banyak choice la, especially dessert spread dia. Sesungguhnya bila ingat balik camner aku bleh spend the whole day of 2nd day without TV dgn Zul tu agak pelik hahah. Makan tido, makan tido je. Zul mmg tengah busy dgn projects dia time we all pergi tu tapi memandangkan phone line mmg agak teruk (internet laaagi la) so I think he got a much deserved rest kat sana kut. Kalau tak on the phone all time. Bila dah petang tu aku dah anxious sket sbb mlm tu aku nak sangat tengok TV coz bola Malaysia vs Indonesia kut kalau tak silap and my TV was still not fixed. Grrrr. After dinner, we gave up and aku try2 bukak radio pakai handphone. Gigih ok. Tapi kena duduk in certain position, dahler headphone bawak satu je. Sebelah kat telinga aku, sebelah kat telinga Zul tapi dpt dengar dlm 10 mins gitu pastu frekuensi lari. Geram je dengar org sekeliling dok bersorak2..last2 tepon Ayah tanya result. Malaysia menang!

Last day, 13/12, hari anniversary, hari nak checkout. Jalan2 lagi dlm resort gi tengok beach kat another area then tengok2 binatang, ada merak la, rusa la..macam mini zoo. Kids gonna love it here cuma perjalanan nak ke pulau ni ler jauh benor. I suggested to Arena if ada anak kecik, elok travel malam pegi tido kat Melaka or Johor sempadan dulu ke. Then besok pagi sambung journey ke Sibu Island. Kalau buat one shot, mau meragam kut budak2 long journey.

All in all, I had fun. Memory yg indah jugak coz we get to spend few days just both of us. Lama dah kahwin dgn awak. Moga ada lebih banyak memory yg indah2 untuk kita sampai ke tua.

Cukup banyak dah kan ni Che Na? Cukuplah utk bekal 2-3 bulan lagi :)