Rainbow..rainbow.

Lappie rosak, something to do with software ke, windows ke entah apa, am letting hubby to take charge of getting the D*ll technician to come or whatever. Agak tensi tak bleh guna lappie di rumah sdgkan connection streamyx adalah laju. Been using my old lappie for the time being bila rasa nak online. Cumanya lappie lama ni ada pelbagai defect dekat keyboardnya, tapi bleh la setakat nak browse dan click2 pakai mouse, kan.

Ermm..emosi agak tidak stabil 2-3 hari ni. My period was late for 10 days. For the record, I had stopped 'hoping and getting excited' 3-4 years ago if my period came late sbb tahu dah kadang2 once in a blue moon it will get delayed for a few days then normal balik. So that Tuesday night lepas dinner dgn Zul, borak jap and he continued watching TV and aku berhajat nak mandi, tapi singgah ke katil dulu and whaddaya know (no surprise there) I fell asleep, still clad in my baju kurung. Zul woke me up near midnight and lepas aku mandi dia dah tertido. Dah lepas mandi segar la plak, so..tengok TV, lipat baju and the 'Giulia.na & Bill' was on air, with their struggle of IVF. Habis lipat baju, I tried getting back to sleep but I couldn't. Banyak mende pikir, mula lah compare life.. best betul orang banyak duit, buat IVF 8 kali pun takpe. Tapi sedih gak for that G&B couple, lepas successful with IVF, and pregnant for 2-3 months ke apa tah, dia miscarriage. Agak emptional di situ.

Owh, dah check on the TAF.F foundation and we didn't meet one of the criteria which is 'combined couple's salary of RM4000'.. so lagi la pikir memacam. I think I fell asleep only at 5am kut and pukul 6am dah bangun balik, buatkan breakfast utk Zul and lepas dia pegi keje, I went to my room, sat on my bed and tetiba I broke down and cry. Tah la..susah nak terangkan apa yg aku pikir dan rasa time tu. It was a good 10 minutes cry, basuh muka then mandi and siap2 pegi keje. Dlm kereta pun sms Mama and shed a few more tears.And petang tu jugak period dtg. Drama!!

I wish I have a friend that I can just cry, without you asking me what's wrong. Just hold my hand. Or maybe a hug will do. Tak payah bagi options/advise pun takpe, no need to pening2 kepala to calm me down. Sometimes, that's the only thing I need. For you to listen and hold my hand.

I wish my friends, or relatives won't judge me if I say that I'm not ready to adopt a child. Not now, not yet. We (me and Zul) had went for a check up and gone for medication but there was no improvement after a year and the Specialist had stopped the medication and told us the only option left was IVF. Don't judge me when I said I can't afford it, yet. Salary aku dgn Zul hanya so-so and it will take time utk we all kumpul duit. Silap aku la keje contract dulu and bila permanent keje kat company yg mmg tak biasa bagi bonus atau bagi sebulan je. Kalau jodoh panjang dgn company sekarang ni dan murah rezeki tahun depan, insyallah merasa la lebih sket kut. As of this year, my colleagues dpt bonus kalau yg perform biasa paling sket 2 months and perform excellent tu paling banyak 4-4.5 months. Doa2kan la murah rezeki aku.

Boleh tak dah cerita panjang2 ni pastu aku rasa this post is not going anywhere.. seriously if you are looking for positive vibes or energy, jgn baca blog aku lah..sbb asyik down je my feelings ni lately. Till then, take care!