Thursday, December 23, 2010

Rainbow..rainbow.

Lappie rosak, something to do with software ke, windows ke entah apa, am letting hubby to take charge of getting the D*ll technician to come or whatever. Agak tensi tak bleh guna lappie di rumah sdgkan connection streamyx adalah laju. Been using my old lappie for the time being bila rasa nak online. Cumanya lappie lama ni ada pelbagai defect dekat keyboardnya, tapi bleh la setakat nak browse dan click2 pakai mouse, kan.

Ermm..emosi agak tidak stabil 2-3 hari ni. My period was late for 10 days. For the record, I had stopped 'hoping and getting excited' 3-4 years ago if my period came late sbb tahu dah kadang2 once in a blue moon it will get delayed for a few days then normal balik. So that Tuesday night lepas dinner dgn Zul, borak jap and he continued watching TV and aku berhajat nak mandi, tapi singgah ke katil dulu and whaddaya know (no surprise there) I fell asleep, still clad in my baju kurung.
Zul woke me up near midnight and lepas aku mandi dia dah tertido. Dah lepas mandi segar la plak, so..tengok TV, lipat baju and the 'Giulia.na & Bill' was on air, with their struggle of IVF. Habis lipat baju, I tried getting back to sleep but I couldn't. Banyak mende pikir, mula lah compare life.. best betul orang banyak duit, buat IVF 8 kali pun takpe. Tapi sedih gak for that G&B couple, lepas successful with IVF, and pregnant for 2-3 months ke apa tah, dia miscarriage. Agak emptional di situ.

Owh, dah check on the TAF.F foundation and we didn't meet one of the criteria which is 'combined couple's salary of RM4000'.. so lagi la pikir memacam.
I think I fell asleep only at 5am kut and pukul 6am dah bangun balik, buatkan breakfast utk Zul and lepas dia pegi keje, I went to my room, sat on my bed and tetiba I broke down and cry. Tah la..susah nak terangkan apa yg aku pikir dan rasa time tu. It was a good 10 minutes cry, basuh muka then mandi and siap2 pegi keje. Dlm kereta pun sms Mama and shed a few more tears.And petang tu jugak period dtg. Drama!!

I wish I have a friend that I can just cry, without you asking me what's wrong. Just hold my hand. Or maybe a hug will do. Tak payah bagi options/advise pun takpe, no need to pening2 kepala to calm me down. Sometimes, that's the only thing I need. For you to listen and hold my hand.

I wish my friends, or relatives won't judge me if I say that I'm not ready to adopt a child. Not now, not yet. We (me and Zul) had went for a check up and gone for medication but there was no improvement after a year and the Specialist had stopped the medication and told us the only option left was IVF. Don't judge me when I said I can't afford it, yet. Salary aku dgn Zul hanya so-so and it will take time utk we all kumpul duit. Silap aku la keje contract dulu and bila permanent keje kat company yg mmg tak biasa bagi bonus atau bagi sebulan je. Kalau jodoh panjang dgn company sekarang ni dan murah rezeki tahun depan, insyallah merasa la lebih sket kut. As of this year, my colleagues dpt bonus kalau yg perform biasa paling sket 2 months and perform excellent tu paling banyak 4-4.5 months. Doa2kan la murah rezeki aku.

Boleh tak dah cerita panjang2 ni pastu aku rasa this post is not going anywhere.. seriously if you are looking for positive vibes or energy, jgn baca blog aku lah..sbb asyik down je my feelings ni lately. Till then, take care!

10 comments:

Konot said...

*hugs*

aku pun baru lepas breakdown 2 nites ago.. bila mr p tanya apesal.. aku pun mcm tatau nak explain..

FicHiEk said...

amy!! dun give up!! kte tak tau ape yg Allah plan for us... insyaAllah...

psst: aku pun ngah layan G&B...best.. derang cam tak kontrol2 n best share their experience with IVF...

lupe...*hugs*

Arena said...

Aku rajen tengok gak G&B. Tengok tu orang banyak duit pon ada masalah gaks. Diorang tu lagi pressure, satu donia memerhati dan bertanya. Tak ke sedih, dah la miscarriage semua orang tanya dan bg advice lak tuh. At least kalau kita go thru this, we can have our own privacy. Aku baru jek had a meltdown 3 days back. Ed tu memang takde de console. Cara nak console pon kan main keras jek suara, suruh aku get over it and move on. Rasa nak cakik dia pon ada masa tuh, hahahhaa. Tapi dia kata kalau ckp baik2 dgn aku, selalunya aku akan merebak-rebak nangis hahahha, which is true, kahkahkah. Ok lah babe. take care. Kan ke aku kata ko boleh sms aku, apsal tak sms?!

Fina said...

awwww...come come come...*hugs*

belum rezeki lagi amy, janji kau ada suami yang baik, duit takde boleh carik, anak takde boleh usaha lagi or adopt, tapi suami yang baik susah nak dapat, ada tu anak 4, 5 orang hampeh laki basuh berak anak pun tak nak, dia buat cam children's factory ada...

aku doa kau akan dapat yang tebaik untuk kau and zul and bila tiba masa rezeki kau nak datang, insya Allah you guys will be the best parents ever....am sure of it...chin up babe....

p/s: nak gi bekelah kat sungai sendat tak 1st january nih? kitaorang tgh planning...

pijah said...

*hugs*

Zetty said...

i am a Taman away from you, call me if terasa nak nangis. I promise i will sit there and listen only.

ps - aku called kau tadik, tak berangkat pulak. take care!

amy said...

thks korang for the hugs n encouraging words.shall be on my feet back soon.kat fb aku cuba buat2 happy balik. will be writing again soonest.mowahhhs.

aisha said...

kak amy,hugs..
Bila nak datang jumpa aufa ni?hehe

kak fina,
mane aci gi kelah2 time saya tengah pantang.. Nak ikot mandi manda gak.. Huwargh

nadya.s said...

Amy, hugs! big bear hugs!! sorry lambat post mmsg,..

Yang TAFF tu, try je apply..send application. walaupun salary below 4K if other criteria tu ada and based on situation..mungkin diorang consider kot. try send application few time. if 1 kali x lepas.. cuba2 lagi k. insyaAllah..ada tu :)

babe, kot dtg belah2 Curve, Ikea.. roger2 la aku. kita gi lepak k! or kot ko kat bangsar ke. my number.. nnt aku FB kau or can get from fina.

Amy said...

Sha - I might go to Kuantan on CNY.. takut awak plak dah balik KL..takpe tak jumpa kat Kuantan, kita jumpa kat KL je. Cute ah nama Aufa..

Nad - Thks..maybe still akan apply. Belum lost hope lagik.