Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Perlu ke?

Hari ni ada sedih di hati. Walaupun tahu I should not let the words bring me down, but.. I'm just human and this is where I normally pour my heart out, kan?

It's a known fact that I have yet to conceived, after almost 7 years of marriage (bulan 12 ni cukup 7 tahun kahwin, yeay) and I'm fat. Tapi perlu ke asyik ckp pasal ni depan aku? Yeah, people get married and can conceived like right after, it's normal. Aku yg tak normal. I'm the weird one, here. Understood.

Kalau org yg dah lama tak jumpa (years) and tetiba tanya pasal ni, normal la, acceptable. But when you see each other everyday, walaupun tak bersembang panjang and bila ada opportunity to sit together, it's kinda insulting when you start the conversation by saying 'Dah makan ubat ke? Berapa lama dah cuba ni? 7 tahun tak dapat2 lagi?' all in one breath. Aku just jawab ' Dah, tengah cuba lagi'. I don't have to tell the whole world what methods I've tried kan? Or siapa yg salah, siapa yang sakit, kan? And why do I have to explain again?

Some might say I'm over sensitive but try putting yourself in my shoes and you'll get the picture. Some mmg cakap berlapik and tak buat conversation tu jadi uncomfortable, maka aku selesa utk bercakap pasal ni. Tapi bila org2 biul bleh start conversation camtu, aku terpikir 'Takde ke menda lain pasal aku yg dia bleh tanya?'. Sihat ke aku? Seronok tak dah pindah? Suami/mak ayah sihat ke? Cuti Deepavali nanti nak pegi mana? Or what do I think about the new budget, or the humid weather..there's like 1001 ways to start a decent conversation.

Ok, tu satu la. Another one, on the same day today.. There's a major event this week, which for the past two days, yesterday and today..aku kena climb up the stairs (my office is at the ground floor and the event is on the 2nd floor)..to entertain queries. Sehari adalah 4-5 kali aku kena naik, kadang2 aku guna tangga and bila kaki dah sakit aku guna lift. Bila guna lift tu plak la, ada guard ni sound 'Naik tingkat 2 pun guna lift'. Muka aku dah kelat, dah lah penat. Aku malas nak ambik port tapi rasanya angin dah naik kepala and aku tanya 'Kenapa? Tak bleh?'. Dia jawab 'Tak la..naik la tangga, kasik exercise sket, badan gemuk'. Walauwehh, ko tahu tak ni aku baru nak guna lift sbb kaki dah sengal?? Aku ckp je balik 'Alah, kalau org lain bleh je' pastu dia diam. Sbb aku sure sgt kalau yg naik tu Manager ke, or student ke, confirm ko tak sound kan..sbb aku ni kuli batak ko sound la. Eh tapi ko guard je, kan..nak sound org plak.

Pokok pangkalnya di sini, kerana aku gemuk, cepat je org judge yg aku ni pemalas. Aku tak rasa keadaan fizikal aku ni pernah jeopardize my work performance so far. Pegi la check record MC aku, pegi compare sket dgn org yg kurus melentik tu. Sapa yg banyak MC, banyak EL. Main sedap je mulut. Aku tahu, aku tahu..pedulikan je org nak ckp apa.. tapi at times, aku rasa fedup sgt dgn all these stereotypes tau. Pergi beli makan dgn niat murni nak ambik seketul paha ayam, org kata 'Ingat nak makan sekor ayam tadi'.. like wth? Makan sket, org tanya 'Diet ke?'.. makan banyak org kata plak 'Oi, jagalah badan tu sket'..semuanya tak kena *sigh*

Does being childless and fat makes me less a person than you are? Do you think I'm less happy than you? Think again. I quote a friend, Lisa's FB status today:

I'm not as lucky as you are, but that doesn't mean I'm less blessed.

Ok dah, cukuplah sekadar meluah rasa. Happy thoughts, Amy...happy thoughts. *kesat air mata*

34 comments:

Silent Scribbler said...

Salam Kak Amy. Sedihnya saya baca post ni. But truly, I understand what you are saying. Orang sentiasa tak puas hati kan, ada je nak komen. Kalau nak komen pun boleh tak berlapik? Saya dah jumpa spesis macam ni kat sini. Selalu jugak rasa sedih tapi suami kata buat tak tahu je. Kak Amy pun jgn sedih2. Kalau setakat luaran yang elok nak buat apa tapi kalo hati diaorang ni busuk?! And yes, you are one of the nicest and kindest person I've met (online, and hopefully some day, offline!). Cheer up ye akak...

Amy said...

Sha - Berkaca mata Kak Amy baca. U've never met me la Sha, mana tahu Kak Amy baik? Hopefully u only hear good things about me from Sadry. Hehe. Well Sha, some people are so 'proud' of being frank tapi agak2 la kan..haih, dunia.

JueOny said...

Amy...**hugs**...jgn sedih-sedih k...aku pun berhadapan situasi cam ko gak...bila kita amik food, ada je mata yg memandang..rimas rasanya...tu yg aku lebih suka tapau food n mkn dlm bilik sorg2 sambil layan youtube...puas!
Sabaq k n pedulikan mereka yg menyakiti ati kita...fokus pada diri kerana kebahgian tercetus dari badan n mental yg sihat..**hugs lagi**

MawiLoco said...

salam Amy...pedulikan apa org nak kata, depa depa yg dok kata nii, ada kelemahan diri sendiri, cuma tak sedar diri, and tak nak org tau...

Mana tau guard tu, tiap tiap pagi berak keras..masa jumpa kau dia dibawah tekanan..

Pedulikan semua tu AMy, sembur jer komen menyegat kat depa ni bila dok perli perli..contoh : bab ayam tu, biasa amik 2ekor, hari ni tak brapa berselera, tu yg amik peha je..

Thanks for comin to Muhammad Bday ..

ungu said...

i guess for 'normal' persons, they tough conceiving is within their ctrl... sedangkan it's all kuasa Allah. tp x semua mcm tu kan... ada yg sedar diri tht they r only human beings. i'm one yg x 'normal'. i hv checked, me & my spouse r normal. absolutely normal. so dah xde rezeki kn. tp maybe sbb kita ni mmg boleh terima ujian ni... maybe for others if they were in our shoes, they would break down kot. cheer up ok!

Amy said...

Jue -Thks babe. Aku tahu sgt perasaan tu. Nak makan pun susah

Mawi - Aww malu la you baca blog I ni haha. Hahah gelak aku baca komen berak keras tu. When I parked my car this morning, muka guard tu gak yg the first aku tengok tadi. Tekanan betul. :P. Ckp kat Fina jgn serik ajak aku hihi

Ungu - Hey there..thanks for reading and dropping a comment. I think I've come to a stage yg I dah redha if I takde anak pun. It doesn't mean I'll stop trying, though. Kadang2 rasa diri ni kuat je, tapi at times, killing words mmg get to me. Sometimes I wonder, when people/friends/relatives see me, itu je ke yg terpikir kat hati diaorg - 'Amy, yg tak ngandung2 after 7 years'. Why can't people see me beyond my incapability.. Amy, the great friend, or Amy, the helpful cousin or Amy, the caring friend. You be strong ok, sesama kita mengsupport each other and please do come here again. Tq!

aisha said...

to another Sha... awak, kita dah jumpa kak amy la.. hehhe..betul..dia baik.. walaupun dia bam bam (jangan marah ek kak amy...) tp dia comel sgt.. rasa mcm best jer peluk dia... sbb kak amy mcm gebu2 gitu cam saya jugak.. and seriously kak amy mmg baik.. walaupun mula2 dulu ingat dia ni garang, tp rupa nyer dlm hati ada taman botanica... so, tak rugi kawan dgn dia...

to kak amy,

cheer up ok.. walaupun mmg senang nak ckp pedulikan apa kata orang lain, tp hati yg terguris kita yg tanggung.. senyum jer la.. jangan stress2.. tak baik.. apa kata, kak amy jadik kakak angkat jer la pada baby kecik dlm perut saya nih.. hehehe..sangat2 dialukan tau...
take care akak!

nadya.s said...

Hi Amy, Salaam.

Been awhile since i last post comment, but that doesnt me i didnt come here everyday to check out apa hang tulis kt blog.. hehe!

think long about what im about to write. here goes, harap make it worst... hee. :)

i suppose to hug you and say, there,there..its okay. but i think you hv ur good friend to do that to u. im not a close friend, but we kinda cool kt world wide web ni,kan.. poking n wave each other online.,sekali sekala.

Amy,
bukan org yg 'childless n fat' je yg kena macam ni. me being single at this age pun kena jugak. ' aii..dah lanjut usia, tak nak kawen lagi ka? memilih sgt ke..? karang monopous, melepas rezeki. lambat2 kawen rugi, melepas nikmat dunia etc..' LIKE.. HELOO!!!.. ( read my post on that few weeks ago)

JODOH, REZEKI( kids included) is god's plan. kita usaha la mcm mana pun, kalau Allah ckp, its not your time yet..tak dptnya. Kengkadang allah bg awal sesuatu perkara.. allah ambik cepat pula.. kan?

ni menyimpang sket.. KALAU pak Guard tu cakap camtu lagi.. ko pergi dekat dia.. ko ckp , PAKCIK!, cuba try naik tingkat 2 guna tangga 7 kali dalam masa 2 jam ni.. kalau pakcik tak sengal kaki, pakcik mmg hebat la, mungkin pakcik tengok saya gemok, tapi pakcik tu kurus sgt ke? kurus sbb apa? merokok berapa kotak sehari? internal organ pakcik sehat walafiat ke???.. pakcik tolong reti hormat org sket na.. jgn cakap macam pakcik kenal saya 2-3 thn.. mak bapak saya tak ajar saya kurang ajar, tapi kalau pakcik suka2 hati ckp mcm ni, saya pun bebas la nak ckp apa!.. bye!

aku mmg pantang sket dgn security guard kurang ajar. itu hari aku dah sound sorang.. pegi mampos la kan kot ko pangkat tua sket dr aku,tapi that doesnt me u hv to bully ppl younger then you..stupido! tak blaja ttg courtesy n adab sopan.

panjang aku menyimpang..

babe,
badan kita besar sket takper, janji sihat. ada org obease okay.. ada org kering xde nafsu makan,.. lantak pi org nak ckp apa. org tegur aku gemok la, makan byk la., aku jawab ' ye!, im happy with my curve, kalau org bg kau option MEAT and playwood, mana lagi sedap pegang/makan? ko nak makan kayu? go ahead.. Meat is the new size 4!' haaaha!

ni hanya cadangan, sbb i know a lot of ppl yg susah dpt kids..few years ago, aku ada buat job utk Tgku puan pahang, Tengku Azizah. Shes the founder of TAFF, Tengku Azizah Fetility Foundation, yg membantu byk pasangan yg susah consive. i see many miracle baby @ the event.. and ada yg twin n triplet case pun.. so maybe u wanna find out more about that?

rasanya she also hv problem to conceive, based on story yg dia skare masa event tu. skarang anak 5 orang.. the first 4 rasanya semua pakai IVF. kudos to her.. and all her TAFF baby dianggap anak angkat dia.

Amy,
U are blessed to have loving husband, family and good friends.. that's priceless yg some ppl takder.

sometimes i feel lonely gak,tapi alhamdullillah ada family n friend yg memahami.thats enough.,kot ada org2 lain tak puas hati gak, lantak pi la., diaorang rasa imcomplete dgn life diorang..tu je.

take care and cheer up ok. think positive and pesan zetty dalam blog dia, 'Allah will never say no to our prayers, as the answer will be YES, YES but not now or, I have a better plan for you :)'

hugs xoxo!

nadya.s said...

correction ayat :
harap TAK make it worst... hee. :)

Konot said...

sabar ye amy.. tgk tu berapa ramai your loving friends yg sayang kat hang..

ni semua ujian.. sbb DIA sayang kat hang. kalau tak de rezeki kat dunia.. Insya Allah kat akhirat esok ada..

:)... sabar ye..

Fina said...

Amy..we were glad to have you there, confirm aku tak serik ajak kau..pasni kita gi berkelah di tepi sungai hehehe....

i know people who have children and still miserable, i know people who are thin, body cun suma but still dengki kat orang and cannot be happy for what they have..

so kesimpulannya....u know u r happy with your life, for what your are, and for what you have.....jadinyaaa....persetankan manusia2 yang bermulut jahat semua ni.....the question will never stop trust me, lepas kau insya Allah ada rezeki beranak nanti, akan tanya pulak nombor dua bila....umur dah lanjut takkan baru sorang blah blah blah....fuck it...you deserve a happy life sis...

aisha said...

kak fina... nak ikut berkelah.. nak main masak2 dgn alex... hehee

ms ngantuk said...

amy,
org2 tu are v rude + insensitive. dahle next time depa kata lagu tu, u jwb blk laser2 or think silently you're better off than them in many other ways. no point nk sentap/sedih lama2 ok. Tuhan tu adil, Dia x bagi semua yg kita nak but He knows best :)

**hugs**

Fina said...

aisha...jom ...nanti i announce dalam blog eh....insya Allah soon...hehehe..

aisha said...

kak fina : hehehe..soon ek? silap2 dah tak larat bawakk perut dah time tu.. karang kuar plak baby berkelah.. takper.. buat lagik sesi kelah-kelah lepas bulan dua tahun depan ek.. hehehe..

Anie said...

lom kawen, sebok tanya bila nak kawen .. pehtu dah kawen sebok tanya bila nak beranak.. sampaikan kita rijek satu offer pi open house kak sebab tuan rumah dia call and dah start bagi ceramah pasal getting preggy dalam phone.. sebab anak dia berderet.. haishh

hubby ckp lepas ni kalo jumpa ke serempak dia, soh tanya, ko ni kawen dah, beranak dah, bila nak mati?

huhu peace hubby yg ckp, bukan kita.

Nomee said...

"Eh pak guard! Suka hati aku lah nak naik tangga ke... nak naik lift ke.... nak naik kapatebang ke... sebok pesal? Yang pak guard naik lift ni pesal? Pi lah bersenam! (pas tu jelir lidah)*

Amy said...

Korang, thank u for taking the time to leave your comments here. Aku tahu korang nak aku rasa better, kan? *hugs all*

Amboi Sha ni, puji2 plak haha. Dlm hati ada taman botanica ehhh? Siap awak, jumpa lagi nanti saya cubit pipi awak tu. Betul eh bleh jadik kakak angkat, so nanti anak awak panggey saya Kak Amy instead of Aunty Amy? Terasa muda aiii :P

Nad - Sakit tak hati kalau aku ckp guard tu bukan org Malaysia pun. Tadi adik aku pun kena, masuk lift je dia kata 'Berat la lift ni' Ya Allah aku tak paham tul apa masalah dia. Aku rasa ni je kut cara dia nak rasa superior dari we all, dgn cara menggelakkan orang. Tak bleh blah betul. I've heard about TAFF before and pernah check website dia, I remembered looking at the criteria and saw that we didn't meet the combined salary criteria yg dia nak. That was like 3-4 years ago masa aku check. Maybe I'll check again. Thanks babe :)

Amy said...

Konot - Hmm tahu, tapi kawan2 real life pun dah kurang dah comment kat sini, dah kurang yg baca pun kut sbb busy kat FB. Thanks for taking the time babe, aku pun still baca blog ko cuma kadang2 tak tinggalkan comment je. Mowahs

Fina - I read ur post pasal mamat yg sound Mawi tu..I cannot imagine if I were at the same table, sure kena 'ceramah' free gak tambah2 dlm keadaan aku ni kan, 'sedap' la dia taruh. What's up with these people eh? Sure dia rasa achievement dia tahap tertinggi sbb dah ada semua kan? *sigh*. Thanks Fina sbb tak jemu2 ajak aku join event ko..lebiuuu.

Kay - I know..mmg tak patut sedih lelama pun dgn org camni, cuma semalam tu tersentap tangkai jantung aku sbb aku fedup sgt dgn stereotyping about people like me.

Amy said...

Mel - Been there, done that. As I told u before, you wouldn't believe what kind of remarks or to what extent org bleh ngarut dgn aku pasal hal2 kegemukan dan ketidakbolehan mengandung ni..sometimes out of this world punya remarks. Aku suka saranan laki ko tu tapi mmg tak mampu nak cakap camtu :p

Nomee - Sengal gila kaki aku hari ni ok, aku dah naik tangga 4 kali sbb nak ngelak dari guard tu.. bodorss.

Zetty said...

gi carik address pak guard ngan kawan mulut celupar tu....ini malam gua hantar Geng Aci Marah!

Amy said...

Zets - Hahah ko hantar geng Aci Marah tu ke opis aku jek hahaha. Sure terkencing dia dlm seluar :P.

I felt better already, korangs! :)

nadya.s said...

zetty, jgn lupa aci emo sorang ni.. aku nak bagi sedas 2!

Linda said...

Amy, aku rasa diorang cuma nak make conversation with you jer...(sebab mesti diorang rasa ackward bila nampak ko jalan ke arah diorang, diorang takde idea nak tegur apa,) tu yang terkeluar statement berbau "longkang" tu...tapi memang tak patut diorang cakap camtu la (tu la orang cakap silence is golden)..quote cik Nuwen: "syian Aunty Amy.." *hugs kuat²*

Alah Amy, se-perfect mana seseorang tu, sentiasa adaaaaa jer (mulut tu buat ala² Cik Kiah mengumpat dengan ahli mesyuarat tingkap) mulut orang nak buat statement melampau...pendek kata,
kalo figure bak glass-hour pun diorang akan cari isu lain nak mengata...diorang akan attack bulu mata ker, atau jari kontot ke...macam laa diorang tu perfect sangat..

Linda said...

btw, Amy. Aku pun selalu gak kena attack camni (adatla soalan maut orang keja kilang kan)..so selalunya aku jawab seperti contoh di bawah:

Soalan:
"Ko ni, bila nak kawin?"
Jawapan (aku):
"Kenapa? kalo aku tak kawin²,ko keresahan melampau sampai takleh tido malam ke?"

Soalan:
"Ko ni Linda, apesai makin sekeping aku tengok?"
Jawapan (aku):
"Kesian ko ye, mesti sampai demam² ko tengok aku kerempeng tak gemuk²!"

Arena said...

Babe,

I feel ya babe. You know I feel ya. orang2 yg buat komen2 tu bodo nak mamposs,, gusrd tu apa kata ko report jek, soh tukar sebab menyakitkan hati orang.

Pasal anak, ko pon tau kan betapa aku dok citer kat blog aku. Aku pon tatau pesal orang judge my happiness by ada anak ke tak. Seriusly aku tak rasa misrable. KO pon I am sure tak rasa misrable punyalah. We have a good life. Alhamdulillah rezeki Allah bg.

Kedua, bab gemok ni. Hmmm just 2 days ago. aku dekat training, aku amek sepiring kueyteow dan satu kueh. Sekali ada satu mamat tu cakap, banyaknya makannnn. Cilakos kan. I'm sure kalau badan sekepong takde saper nak tegur gitu kan. Giler ko piring memang kecik. Apsal, asal gemok jek burok lantak. itu aku yang gemok sikit2 jek (in denial hahahha) kalau gemok betul, tah ape lah mamat tu ckp kan. Aku memang spontan jek, jawab, sebok jek. hahhaha sorilah kasi ko tambah panas jek, bukannya nak pujuk ko.. Meh peluk sikit..heheeh

Amy said...

Nad - Hihi, mai, mai..
Linda - Owh, bestnya dipeluk Nuwen yg manja tu. Tu lah aku ni LInda, dlm hati ada rasa marah tapi kadang2 tak terluah nak membalas balik. Tapi kalau dah panas sgt hati, aku fire gak :)
Che Na - Siapa lagi nak faham what I've been thru kalau bukan ko babe, ko kan kembar cyber aku :). Org yg sama situation dgn aku je baru betul2 faham apa aku rasa. Betul babe, aku tak rasa miserable, cuma sgt dissappointed dgn cara org 'label' aku, by that one weakness. Dah bleh buat buku dgn all the remarks people throw at me.

Woi ko tu tak gemuk la. Agaknya kalau aku yg ambik sepinggan kueyteow dgn kuih tu sure lagi teruk kena eh, dah lah fav aku tu. Hihi *pelok lelama*

FicHiEk said...

amy...derang tu dengki sebenarnyer.... dengki tgk kite enjoy our food.....dengki tgk kite ada byk masa terluang sbb masih lum ada kid... dengki tgk family kte bahagia sgt2...so derang akan pusing seme tu utk nmpk cam tu kelemahan kte...
doa byk2 supaya mereka2 tu sempat mintak ampun kat ko....

Amy said...

Fichiek - I heart yew :). I felt better already, actually. Cuma tak terbuat post baru. Nak buat la ni hehe.

Erni Marlina said...

hi amy...sabar yer atas dugaan2 nie..biasala manusia ni mmg susah nk jaga mulut sesetengahnya..ada ja tk puas ati ngan kita...itu tak kena, ini tk kena...saabar dan tawakal pada Allah jer yer amy...Insyallah!

Anak Daddy said...

Alaa Milia toksah layan sgt depa tu. Just ignore them. Asalkan kita sihat dan happy ok?

BTW,pasai anak. Ni nak habaq mai, yes, anak adalah anugerah Allah, rezeki. Tapi kalau Milia nak tau, behind all the happy stories about having kids, you have to go thru sakit nak beranak/bersalin yang aaaaamaaaaaaaat sakit ok? Lain la kalau amek epidural and pain killer etc,then you don't really know how painful it is, so macam tak appreciate sgt that bersalin moment.

Betoi la org cakap, bila nak bersalin tu, nyawa hujung tanduk. Pastu sakit bersalin is sakit yang paling sakit yg ada kat dunia ni.

Pastu time berpantang pulak, huh..... boringnya Allah saja yang tau. Kalau pantang betoi2, rasa diri macam kucing, asyik makan ikaaaaaan ja.

Pastu bab raising the kids, kalau ada maid, life could be easier (tapi kalau dapat maid mcm hantu, nasiblah kan). It takes a lot of energy and patience. Penat whoaa... sorang dok bebai throw tantrum, sorang lagi do teriak. Sabarrrr...

Whilst I am grateful to be blessed with 2 sons, I just want you to know how 'challenging' it is to be parents especially being a mother. Yes, I know, belum try belum tau.

In any event, rezeki di tangan Allah. He decides. Perhaps its a blessing in disguise. I have friends yang kawin 9 years baru dapat anak. Tak tau la plak dia makan apa... taugeh ka, Biodex (I heard it works on my friend), mengurut ka, wallahualam. Yang penting kita bertawakkal pada Allah.

Hah, puaiah hati panjang punya comment wakakakaa... Sorry! And have a grrreat birthday!

anom said...

Salam Amy.. I've been your silent reader for quite a while now.. I totally understand what you mean..I've been there and had gone through all that.. Hanya Tuhan aje la yang tahu betapa peritnya menjadi seorang perempuan yang tidak mempunyai anak setelah lama berkahwin dan gemuk.. But trust me, insyallah one day you will get there -- Keep on praying..but at the same time, don't think too much about it. Just leave it be. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.. As long as both of you husband and wife understand that and accepts that you all mungkin tak de rezeki lagi.. It's ok -- Whatever la orang nak kata -- biarkan saja..

I was married for more than 9 years and I've been overweight/obese for most of my married life.. In fact dari my teenage years lagi, tak pernah ingat I kurus.. but that's it -- finally Allah heard our prayers and this year I got my baby -- eventhough I tak berjaya menguruskan badan I.. Alhamdullillah.. Just before I got pregnant -- I was about 83kg vs my ideal weight of 55kg -- so there's no set and stone rules says orang gemuk tak boleh get pregnant -- I did -- naturally lagi tak ade medication or assisted conception tool -- so that's proof.. Bila Allah kata it's time, it's time..

My point is -- please do not give up hope.. Keep trying, seek treatment setakat yang termampu, if it happens, it will, if not, let it go and be happy with you and your other half.. Enjoy life..

Take care -- sorry terlebih panjang plak.. Anyway if you ever want to chat -- u can email me at anomabdullahsani[at]gmail[dot]com.

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