Perlu ke?

Hari ni ada sedih di hati. Walaupun tahu I should not let the words bring me down, but.. I'm just human and this is where I normally pour my heart out, kan?

It's a known fact that I have yet to conceived, after almost 7 years of marriage (bulan 12 ni cukup 7 tahun kahwin, yeay) and I'm fat. Tapi perlu ke asyik ckp pasal ni depan aku? Yeah, people get married and can conceived like right after, it's normal. Aku yg tak normal. I'm the weird one, here. Understood.

Kalau org yg dah lama tak jumpa (years) and tetiba tanya pasal ni, normal la, acceptable. But when you see each other everyday, walaupun tak bersembang panjang and bila ada opportunity to sit together, it's kinda insulting when you start the conversation by saying 'Dah makan ubat ke? Berapa lama dah cuba ni? 7 tahun tak dapat2 lagi?' all in one breath. Aku just jawab ' Dah, tengah cuba lagi'. I don't have to tell the whole world what methods I've tried kan? Or siapa yg salah, siapa yang sakit, kan? And why do I have to explain again?

Some might say I'm over sensitive but try putting yourself in my shoes and you'll get the picture. Some mmg cakap berlapik and tak buat conversation tu jadi uncomfortable, maka aku selesa utk bercakap pasal ni. Tapi bila org2 biul bleh start conversation camtu, aku terpikir 'Takde ke menda lain pasal aku yg dia bleh tanya?'. Sihat ke aku? Seronok tak dah pindah? Suami/mak ayah sihat ke? Cuti Deepavali nanti nak pegi mana? Or what do I think about the new budget, or the humid weather..there's like 1001 ways to start a decent conversation.

Ok, tu satu la. Another one, on the same day today.. There's a major event this week, which for the past two days, yesterday and today..aku kena climb up the stairs (my office is at the ground floor and the event is on the 2nd floor)..to entertain queries. Sehari adalah 4-5 kali aku kena naik, kadang2 aku guna tangga and bila kaki dah sakit aku guna lift. Bila guna lift tu plak la, ada guard ni sound 'Naik tingkat 2 pun guna lift'. Muka aku dah kelat, dah lah penat. Aku malas nak ambik port tapi rasanya angin dah naik kepala and aku tanya 'Kenapa? Tak bleh?'. Dia jawab 'Tak la..naik la tangga, kasik exercise sket, badan gemuk'. Walauwehh, ko tahu tak ni aku baru nak guna lift sbb kaki dah sengal?? Aku ckp je balik 'Alah, kalau org lain bleh je' pastu dia diam. Sbb aku sure sgt kalau yg naik tu Manager ke, or student ke, confirm ko tak sound kan..sbb aku ni kuli batak ko sound la. Eh tapi ko guard je, kan..nak sound org plak.

Pokok pangkalnya di sini, kerana aku gemuk, cepat je org judge yg aku ni pemalas. Aku tak rasa keadaan fizikal aku ni pernah jeopardize my work performance so far. Pegi la check record MC aku, pegi compare sket dgn org yg kurus melentik tu. Sapa yg banyak MC, banyak EL. Main sedap je mulut. Aku tahu, aku tahu..pedulikan je org nak ckp apa.. tapi at times, aku rasa fedup sgt dgn all these stereotypes tau. Pergi beli makan dgn niat murni nak ambik seketul paha ayam, org kata 'Ingat nak makan sekor ayam tadi'.. like wth? Makan sket, org tanya 'Diet ke?'.. makan banyak org kata plak 'Oi, jagalah badan tu sket'..semuanya tak kena *sigh*

Does being childless and fat makes me less a person than you are? Do you think I'm less happy than you? Think again. I quote a friend, Lisa's FB status today:

I'm not as lucky as you are, but that doesn't mean I'm less blessed.

Ok dah, cukuplah sekadar meluah rasa. Happy thoughts, Amy...happy thoughts. *kesat air mata*