Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Penat lah emosi

Was late for 2 weeks already. It was actually normal. Takde apa yang luar biasa. Kalau tak, takkan la aku pernah dapat puasa penuh 3 tahun berturut2 before this. Aku tak pernah mengandung kan so aku tak pernah tahu simptom/rasa dia macam mana. Just from my readings and of course dari relatives/friends punya experiences je.
 
I've told myself many times before "Takyah beli pregnancy test" coz I know the 2 lines never appear. NEVER. It's been years kut aku tak beli. Sebab aku tahu how devastating it would be when only 1 line appeared. And how terrible I felt days after that. Dulu punya denial sampai pernah lepas aku campak dlm tong sampah, bangun besok pagi jenguk2 lagi dlm dustbin manalah tahu after overnight, it would turn to two lines. Gila kan? Korang takkan tahu kalau tak pernah alami :)

So last Saturday, gatal masuk Guardian pegi beli jugak. Knowing that I had to go for a kenduri that night, and knowing that I will do the test at my parents house. Kut kat rumah sendiri, nak nangis sampai kuar bijik mata pun sapa kesah kan. I don't know what got into me that day. Sampai rumah mama dah petang, and I went straight into the bathroom in the guest room downstairs. And waited. Negative, still satu line. Cried a bit (that was what I was doing, my dear sis Tiyah when u knocked on the door asking me what was I doing), wash my face, took a deep breath and went out from the room, trying hard to smile infront of mama. Pegi dapur, sembang2 then buat fruit tart untuk bawa gi kenduri.

Then masa tunggu nak masuk Maghrib (sebab nak terus bersiap pegi kenduri), I could not hold back my tears. It would be crazy kan to think that after almost 9 years, I could conceive naturally? Who am I kidding? Why am I torturing myself by buying the pregnancy test? Entahlah. Then aku text-ed my blogger friend who was in the same situation. 'Was' sebab she is now pregnant lepas buat ICSI after waiting for so long, alhamdulillah. I know she would understand how I felt and secara jujurnya, aku suka kata2 semangat dia pada aku all this while. This is what she replied me:

"Babe, mana kita boleh control how we wanna feel. Kadang2 kita harap sangat for a miracle, who can blame us? Doa pada Allah agar Allah beri kita kelapangan dada utk accept this. Ujian pedih ni. Tapi despite ujian takde anak ni, Dia bagi kita husband yg sgt sayang kita kan. Tak ramai org ada tu.."

Thanks eh beb..I really appreciate it. Dalam kereta on the way to kenduri tu, kuar sket2 lagi air mata bila sambung baca sms ko and bila dah sampai kenduri, dah sembang2, gelak2 dgn cousins, uncles and aunties aku jadi lupa dah :)

Moga aku terus diberi ketabahan dan dimurahkan rezeki utk cuba cara lain. Bersyukurlah anda tidak perlu keluar duit sesen pun utk mengandung, bersyukurlah anda boleh merancang bila mahukan anak, tahun depan, dua tahun lagi, bersyukurlah anda mengalami alahan teruk sepanjang kehamilan, bersyukurlah anda mempunyai little monsters yg bising di rumah kerana apa yang anda ada sangat diimpikan oleh wanita lain di dunia ini :)


12 comments:

cpj said...

*hugs ketat2*

Lap yew amy!

Anonymous said...

amy, aku sangat paham keadaan kau.. aku dah lama tak beli pregnancy test, dah lebih 4 tahun kot.. mmg pedih.. aku hanya boleh bersedih together-gether..

i like your last para.. terasa macam nak share on FB je.. :)

Love from Alin..

Anonymous said...

Semoga anda tabah.. Same goes to me.. waiting nearly 8 years.. still no sign.. Semoga ujian ini akan memberi kita kegembiraan tidak lama lagi..

DocYana said...

Amy,
I know exactly how you feel. For a few years, esp after the miscarriage, I think I convinced myself that this is my destiny and resisted other people's suggestions.

Now, tiba2 rasa ok, I am not getting younger, either do it now and make sure I don't regret it later. But I know, there is no guarantee that I will not look back and regret my decision.

So, this year we are going to try hard - I am giving myself six months. Siap defer my postgrad studies and will take 6 months unpaid leave. Kalau tak dapat, then I am going back to my masters and ....ntah, pasrah? Will think about it when I get there.

All the best, Amy. and just remember, nie semua ketentuan Allah. only HE knows best.

Anonymous said...

I've a 5-year old girl but we have been trying for years for d 2nd one. Maybe people think that my pain is not as bad as urs, but i think it is just d same when u want something so badly but u cant have it :-(

We put a smiley face n say 'kuasa Allah' but deep down, hanya Allah sj yg tau.

As your friend said, at least u have a great husband! Count d blessings.

Anonymous said...

And i salute u for being so strong. I think i cried everytime ms p comes every month.

Amy said...

Tq korang for taking time to leave me a comment. I'm ok..dah period pun n quite a painful one this time

Pijah - uhukk lap yew too. Bila ko due babe?
Alin - tq. Sedih sesama takpe, but bila ada good news jgn aku yg last tahu k. Tu akan buat aku laaagi sedih :)
Docyana - tak sangka doc baca lagi my blog. Amy doakan usaha doc pasni berjaya. Aminnn. I've accept the fact that i need to fork out money to conceive. Tengah kumpul duit. My friend spent rm15k plus plus. Fuh tgh pikir camner i nak afford 6 months unpaid leave ni

Amy said...

Anon 1 - Insyaalah I pun doakan rezeki you. It takes courage to keep smiling walaupun asyik ditanya "Bila ko nak ada anak?", "Tak sunyi ke takde anak?", "kita ni bukan makin muda", as I I have answer for all that. Kalau ada jual kat kedai, dah lama I pegi beli sepasang lelaki dan perempuan, settle :)

Anon 2 - Ujian kita berbeza2, kan. The first 3 years tu mmg i sedih or cried everytime p pays a visit. Lepas2 tu i ok sbb i pikir baguslah p dtg sbb if p tak dtg2, dah masalah irregular period lagi susah nak pregnant kan. I rasa I paling sedih bila tengok org gave me this look yg macam "kesian dia takde anak lagi".. tak tahu camner nak describe the look. It was as if itu je penentu I ni happy ke tak and that really made me sad.

Amy said...

Anon 1 - as if..typo hehe

Arena said...

Sapelah blogger friend ko tu yek? Heheheh.

Babe, ko tau kan, I soooo know how you felt. Kan aku dah cakap aku pon dah tak pernah buat UPT tu since 2009 selepas the failed IUI. Malas la test, buat nangis jek, karang.

Yes, after bertahun-tahun memikir, mengumpul duit, dan mengumpul semangat, tahun ni I took the plunge, cuti 6 months, defer my master, drop everything untuk cuba IVF/ICSI ni kan. Memang roller coaster ride betul, but alhamdulillah, you know the rest kan. Aku sms ko selalu harap ko tak stress, I am not flaunting tau. Just nak bg semangat jek.

U hang in there ok. Allah knows best. Take care.

Nomee said...

Amy dear,
Dugaan kau ini aku akui memang berat. Membaca isi hati kau yang mungkin cuma 10% ni saja cuma membuatkan aku menitiskan air mata & air idung untuk beberapa minit.
But remember dear, lain orang lain dugaannya. Sama-sama kita doakan semoga kita tabah & berjaya menempuh dugaan masing-masing. Insyaallah.

Amy said...

Che Na - Doakan ada rezeki aku nak mengumpul duit sebanyak tu dan boleh cuba cara ni plak. Babe, I appreciate all your sms-es. Even yg masa ko down jugak, as I said ANYTIME coz mmg on phone 24 hours. akKau pun take care tau..ada rezeki we'll meet soon

Nomee - Alahai aku bukan nak buat kawan sedih tapi ni je tempat aku meluah rasa setulusnya. I just felt more comfortable to express it here rather than Facebook :)