Penat lah emosi

Was late for 2 weeks already. It was actually normal. Takde apa yang luar biasa. Kalau tak, takkan la aku pernah dapat puasa penuh 3 tahun berturut2 before this. Aku tak pernah mengandung kan so aku tak pernah tahu simptom/rasa dia macam mana. Just from my readings and of course dari relatives/friends punya experiences je.
 
I've told myself many times before "Takyah beli pregnancy test" coz I know the 2 lines never appear. NEVER. It's been years kut aku tak beli. Sebab aku tahu how devastating it would be when only 1 line appeared. And how terrible I felt days after that. Dulu punya denial sampai pernah lepas aku campak dlm tong sampah, bangun besok pagi jenguk2 lagi dlm dustbin manalah tahu after overnight, it would turn to two lines. Gila kan? Korang takkan tahu kalau tak pernah alami :)

So last Saturday, gatal masuk Guardian pegi beli jugak. Knowing that I had to go for a kenduri that night, and knowing that I will do the test at my parents house. Kut kat rumah sendiri, nak nangis sampai kuar bijik mata pun sapa kesah kan. I don't know what got into me that day. Sampai rumah mama dah petang, and I went straight into the bathroom in the guest room downstairs. And waited. Negative, still satu line. Cried a bit (that was what I was doing, my dear sis Tiyah when u knocked on the door asking me what was I doing), wash my face, took a deep breath and went out from the room, trying hard to smile infront of mama. Pegi dapur, sembang2 then buat fruit tart untuk bawa gi kenduri.

Then masa tunggu nak masuk Maghrib (sebab nak terus bersiap pegi kenduri), I could not hold back my tears. It would be crazy kan to think that after almost 9 years, I could conceive naturally? Who am I kidding? Why am I torturing myself by buying the pregnancy test? Entahlah. Then aku text-ed my blogger friend who was in the same situation. 'Was' sebab she is now pregnant lepas buat ICSI after waiting for so long, alhamdulillah. I know she would understand how I felt and secara jujurnya, aku suka kata2 semangat dia pada aku all this while. This is what she replied me:

"Babe, mana kita boleh control how we wanna feel. Kadang2 kita harap sangat for a miracle, who can blame us? Doa pada Allah agar Allah beri kita kelapangan dada utk accept this. Ujian pedih ni. Tapi despite ujian takde anak ni, Dia bagi kita husband yg sgt sayang kita kan. Tak ramai org ada tu.."

Thanks eh beb..I really appreciate it. Dalam kereta on the way to kenduri tu, kuar sket2 lagi air mata bila sambung baca sms ko and bila dah sampai kenduri, dah sembang2, gelak2 dgn cousins, uncles and aunties aku jadi lupa dah :)

Moga aku terus diberi ketabahan dan dimurahkan rezeki utk cuba cara lain. Bersyukurlah anda tidak perlu keluar duit sesen pun utk mengandung, bersyukurlah anda boleh merancang bila mahukan anak, tahun depan, dua tahun lagi, bersyukurlah anda mengalami alahan teruk sepanjang kehamilan, bersyukurlah anda mempunyai little monsters yg bising di rumah kerana apa yang anda ada sangat diimpikan oleh wanita lain di dunia ini :)